Daily Rant  Big Rants

Shoelaces Shoelaces suck. What moron invented the damn things anyway? I mean, they never stay tied, they're always lurking around your feet, just waiting to spring open and cause you to trip when you least expect it. I bought a pair of shoes a year ago and since day one they have never stayed tied for more than 30 seconds. Even when I double knot them with a twist and a half gainer 2 minutes later they're untied again. What the heck? Did they take Houdini's body, grind it up into little bitty pieces and them mold them into my laces or what? One of these days I expect to find my shoes in a bathtub full of water, tied up in a straightjacket, trying to pull off a death-defying stunt for network television. Bring back Velcro. Cmon, you know I'm right. Like those trainer shoes for toddles with the double Velcro straps on em. No tying, no fussing about in the morning untying them and then retying them, just pull, insert foot, and strap in. They rocked! But we have to solve the Velcro decay issue first. The only not cool thing about those shoes was that after 3 months of frolicking on the playground the hooky side of the Velcro had grass and hair and stuff in it and thus wouldn't keep its grip. We need to create a senate subcommittee of Velcro Research to solve this problem. After they solve the Velcro grass to grip coefficient problem, think how many other of the world's problems they can solve. No more people trying your shoelaces together (Velcro is noisy and thus can't be cross-connected stealthily), which as we know is the cause of 97% of the "I've fallen and I can't get up" accidents amongst the elderly. No more "hey look your shoe's untied" jokes, which will reduce the rate of pre-teen suicide and drinking by eliminating cruel jokes played on geeky people who aren't geek enough to go Velcro at age 14. This is a serious societal and economic problem that demands immediate attention. I'm thinking Constitutional amendment important here. Now if I can only find a way to Velcro Barracuda's ass shut after he eats Mexican food, I'll get a Noble Peace Prize.