Daily Rant  Big Rants

Note: I wrote this rant specifically for a little fake contest to determine the ruler of the universe. I am not in fact an egomaniac with delusions of world domination. At least, that's what the voices tell me. Masters of the Universe I am KnyteHawkk. The man with way too many Ks in his name. I am the bringer of things smelly and velcroed. You must bow to me or I will smite you with wet jellyfish (splat splat splat). If I am not elected, I will unleash the unthinkable Four and a Half Plagues of Iowa upon you. Plague 1: The Six Elderly Drivers of the Apocalypse I don't care where you are from or how bad you think the drivers in your state are, the much feared Drivers will grind your transportation systems to a halt. They will drive 3 abreast (note the inclusion of the word breast here, you have no idea how many bonus points I got for that) on your interstates and highways at exactly the minimum driving speed. They will NEVER change lanes, unless it's right in front of you in the fast lane when you are trying to get to the show on time. They will refuse to make left hand turns unless there's a green arrow, no one else in visible range in any direction, and promises of Medicare increases. They will scream "GET OFF MY LAWN YOU DAMN KIDS" even if t here's not a chlorophyll possessing lifeform within a 50 kilometer radius. They will gawk at your long hair (or your short hair, or your colored hair, or your hair in general if they're bored) and assume you are doing drugs simply because you are younger than them. Plague 2: The Many-Split-Ended Hairball of Destruction I will mix Rogaine and Miracle Grow together and pour it on my wife's head. Her hair (already 4 feet in length) will undergo a startling metamorphosis and grow several feet a second. In a matter of days, the entire continent of North American will be covered in hair. All your black clothes will be useless. Your food will be spoiled. You will wake up in the morning with hair in your nose, ears, eyes, armpits, and every other major orifice, opening, and joint. Plague 3: The Flaming Nipple of Babylon This plague is so horrendous even I, the Ultimate Pendragon of Slightly Naughty Things, have no idea what it does. Plague 4: The Unspeakable Horror No mortal can survive The Horror. It replaces all your system files them with HamsterDance.exe. It will tie all your shoelaces into double square knots. It will thaw your freezer and turn your refrigerator into an oven. It will bind all of your gaming keys to +crouch and change your name to Beef Hole. It will rape your horses and ride off on your women. It will goose your grandmother and seduce your father into a life of leather-bound servitude. It will track all of your emails and promise to send you 1.5 billion dollars for every person who you forward it too. If you fail to forward it to 2345423545435 people in less than 4 seconds, it will curse you for eternity to have to use the phrase "duck billed platypus" in every sentence. It will turn your Peeing Calvin stickers into "Baby on Board" signs. It turns your Chevy into a Ford and your Ford into a weiner dog. It changes your DNA so that your hair is immediately sucked into your head and extruded from your ears as a never ending river of Cheese Wiz. It makes your bed and fills it with soggy gummy worms. It will make you BEG for Velcro. It will only distribute beef sauce covered hotties, even to vegetarians. It will change all your free porn links to www.latindonkeyporn.com. It is a blindingly bright shade of lavender. That's right. I have come into possession of the original source code for the Nimda virus. I have cross-bred it with the Office Assistant wizard, a Bonzai Buddy and a billy goat and turned it into the dreaded Nimrod Virus. The compulsive emailing that it instills will GUARENTEE that every person on the planet will get at least 50 copies of the same email within 47 seconds of each other even if they originally sent it. People will be helpless against the virus's promises of larger breasts, awesome health insurance, a $60,000 at home job, free mortgages, samples of Human Growth Hormone, legal pot, and Serv-A-Lot, and "naked hot horny teen prostitutes". So unless you want your children to be molested by a hairy flaming billy goat looking paper clip who couldn't drive its way out of a wet paper sack, you should vote for me. But what do I get out of the deal you ask? good question. I promise to make all web sites customizable. If you want www.chocolate-covered-Jennifer-Love-Hewitt.com, you got it. I vow to make all caffeinated beverages free of charge. That's right, if you want to go to the store, walk out with a keg of Jolt and beer bong it in less than 1 minute causing you to go into hyperactivity induced spasms and mumble things that an adventist would swear is speaking in tongues, you can do it. I will genetically combine Barracuda's colon with ScannerBoy's cat and market it to Canada as the preferred pet of the Democratic National Convention. I will GUARENTEE you results in less than 2 weeks. I will sit on my Serv-A-Lot throne, spreading justice and free body piercings to the waiting masses. All will bow before me! Who is the boss of you? I AM THE BOSS OF YOU! So ends a rather odd piece of my life. I hope you aren't too scared.