Daily Rant  Big Rants

License Plates Its been awhile hasn't it? I guess I needed to recharge my rant rage before I could post again. Today's little ditty is brought to you by custom license plates, new cars, and severe boredom. On to the fun! It is my firm belief that custom license plates should require their purchasers to go through what I like to call "an idiot detection simulation" or simply put a moron test. Rule #1: Anyone who wants to buy a plate with the phrasing My (fill in car type here) should be immediately drawn and quartered and their head hung on display outside the DMV as a warning to all others. What, do you want to make sure that the cops know you didn't steal the car you're driving? That the vehicle in which you are currently sitting, licensed and insured under your name, is, in fact, YOURS? Wow! What a concept! I cannot express to you my thanks in informing me that the Rav4 you have strapped to your ass is owned by you. Side rant: It is my firm belief that anyone who drives a Rav4 is simply conforming to the new theory of Darwinism that states that in the near future, all owners of really poorly designed or stupid looking vehicles will be wiped out by a plague that originated with someone in Europe getting into a serious accident while driving a Ford Focus with a calf in back that had a mutant strain of hoof and mouth disease and at the same time the driver had a life revelation along the lines of "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING DRIVING THIS STUPID LOOKING PIECE OF S^&T CAR/TRUCK WANNABEE AROUND??? AAAAHHHHH". This plague is manifested by the driver and his/her vehicle spontaneously combusting into small well-cooked beef kabobs. Note to anyone driving one of those new Pontiac Sport Utilities with the lights 6 feet above ground level that proclaim Pontiac's official catch phrase changing from "We Build Excitement" to "Our Designers Smoke Crack While Hitting a Bong Filled with Unscented Kitty Litter", you are most definitely included in this list. (dude, that's real crunchy). Rule #2: Anyone requesting a plate with the phrasing Not Yours or any variant will first be subjected to the torture described above, but then kept alive through life support so that you can endure 2 years of nothing but the Home Shopping Network's Tribute to Socks piped directly into your cerebral cortex. Burn burn burn burn burn, hell is too good for you, how about 9 weeks of argyle arrrrrrrrrr. Rule #3: Anyone with a custom plate from a college that they attended who has not attended said college for a period of more than 4 years shall have their ears removed with a magic marker and their tongues ripped out by a toenail clipper. YOU ARE A 53 YEAR OLD ACCOUNTANT FOR PETE'S SAKE MOVE ON!!! Rule #4: Anyone caught applying a sticker to their car in any place that simply repeats the make or model of the vehicle (say, for example, a HUGE sticker in HUGE block letters that says CAVALIER in the back window of your… gasp… Cavalier) will be immediately forced to buy a similar model of car from the competing manufacturer with HUGE stickers on EVERY window that say "I LOVE BARRY MANILOW". You know what? I can read! Yes that's right I actually can comprehend the symbol or name on the back of your car stating its make and model, I do NOT need a sign proclaiming to half the civilized world that you do in fact drive a Cavalier, please see comments for Rule #1 above. Acceptable custom plates: Your handle, nickname, etc. Last names and numbers indicating which vehicle in your fleet it is are grounds for beatings, but not for permanent bodily harm. Even if I can't get these rules passed into law, I'll enforce them myself. If you see a green Impala with a custom plate "KNYTHWK" on it and you're in violation of any of the above rules, you'd better pray your car is faster than mine or that you have a very high tolerance for socks.